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I have a theory…

January 25th, 2010

Super Mario Bros. 3 is arguably one of the greatest video games ever right?

Sure, without a doubt. But something’s been bugging me recently. Mario 3, if you recall, introduced gamers to the Koopa Kids, 7 bosses you had to fight before advancing to the 8th world to fight Bowser Koopa himself. (nerd nerd nerd, bear with me).

My problem is simple– we’re never introduced to Mrs. Koopa. Before Mario 3 the last time we heard from Bowser was at the end of the original, classic Mario adventure. Mario rescues Princess Toadstool (whom, wikipedia.com tells me is actually called Princess Peach now, but fuck that). Then, the next time Bowser shows up he’s got seven kids.

In the interim Princess Toadstool joined Mario, Luigi and Toad for the mostly-forgotten “Mario 2.” They fought a giant toad named Wart who hated vegetables. Apparently it was revealed this game was all a dream… so this adventure never actually happened. then in Mario 3, Bowser’s back, with children. And, for many subsequent adventures, Bowser shows up to kidnap the Princess, sometimes with and sometimes without his children.

You see where I’m going with this? Princess Toadstool is their mother.

OK, I’m not implying that Bowser raped Princess Toadstool as one of my classmates thought. The opposite, in fact. Here’s what I think happened:

Mario was a douchey little plumber with a porn star moustache who warp-piped his way into the Mushroom Kingdom. He brought along his lanky, spastic brother Luigi and decided to “rescue” Princess Toadstool from Bowser, King of the Koopas. Only Toadstool didn’t need rescuing. She and the King were enjoying the happily ever after (remember, as stated in the awful “Super Mario Bros.: The Movie,” she and Koopa are the same species, not her and Mario). So every time Bowser “kidnaps”Toadstool at the beginning of a game he’s actually rescuing her… and it’s Mario doing the kidnapping.

Mario is a sex-crazed, racist, anti-miscegenation fanatic. Remember, his previous adventure was “rescuing” Pauline from Donkey Kong. But in light of Bowser and Toadstool’s fornication, I don’t think there was any rescuing going on. Mario was “collecting” these women, with the aid of his half-retarded brother, Luigi. Bowser is actually the good guy, all he wants is the mother of his children and princess of the kingdom back.

Wait, don’t I have a movie to produce? Fuck.

 

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